No One Can Hear You Scream . . . . . .

I have so many things going through my head and none of them are important. It's amazing how empty an exsistence can be when it all feels useless. Not to say that I myself am feeling useless, but my exsistence itself is useless. I'm not entirely sure how it is that I feel like this or how to stop it, but thats how it is. I feel like I'm stuck in the very void of space, screaming my very lungs out, and no one can hear it. I just hope there is nothing waiting for me within that void.

WORDS OF WISDOM: You can pick your friends, You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

Circe And Charybdis...........

The siren calls and every part of me aches to succumb. I don't know if she is aware of this but she drives my soul beyond the edges of the world. The problem is that while she is Circe, her soul is Charybdis, looking to swallow me whole. The truth of it all is that I fly willingly into that danger, caring little if I come out again, but she can never know. She gives me peace and pirpose, but she can never know. The embers of my dying fire burst into new flame at her touch, but she can never know. I don't even have to fortitude to tell her that there are things she can never know. How can I possibly survive this when I can't even tell the person that is centrally INVOLVED in my disposition the she IS involved. Fate is cruel, as is my mistress, but she can never know.

Captain's Log...........

It would seem that my previous posts appear to be a tad dark and dramatic. I do not intend it to be this way, I simply write what is on my mind.

However, I will make every attempt to to be more bright and sunshine-y in future posts. I don't like the sound of that, but I am not some gothically dark character in the cosmic play of life. I would like if I were such a person, but I don't know why. Being warm and happy just seems like a waste of energy with the current state of things, but I guess by being brighter I can in turn make my portion of the world brighter. Who knows? All I know is that the image in my head of myself as the weathered old adventurer has chased the Great Stag, battled the Death Worm, communed with fairies, sailed with pirates, and even faced of with the mighty Kraken, and none of it brought me lasting happiness.

P.S. : this is COMPLETELY out of my intended style but all of those creatures are "monsters" I've battled, except they are really alcohol, which I've tried hiding behind at times.

Live long and prosper.........

Today I find myself vexed by the frailty of the human condition. A person in my life died this past Friday, and it bothers me that it doesn't bother me. The person was not related to me, not a close friend, but I still feel like his passing should phase me more than it does. On some basic level the generalized tragedy of the end of one who had a whole life in front of them should effect me, but it doesn't. This is just one of many realizations I've made in the last week. I got to spend time with two fellow adventures from times past, and I realized that my frail humanity CAN NOT handle traveling through time and space with these two. We have crossed paths before, and they are able companions, but that time is beyond me.

It is a sad tale, my one true regret. But every adventurer needs motivation to travel throughout the cosmos, and she is mine. She can never know that she drives me on, partially because she won't believe it. Thus my vexation of the human condition. Any small thing can cease us to be, any emotional response we have can destroy us utterly, but we continue to find new ways to hurt ourselves. For the love of the gods we as a species have gone so far as to create diseases that we can neither control nor cure, simply because we can.

But I digress. This last minor foray into the wider world has shown me the futility of my being, such as it is. I have let the softness of being human interfere with the ability of my mind to find happiness. I have divulged my being in it's quest for companionship and lost myself somewhere along the way. She has my heart, locked in a box, and there it must stay. By giving her this I have found how to exsist without the futility of attachment. She has my heart and all of it's failings, and I may keep the stronger pieces of my being, remaining detached from those around me, providing it is not her that is near. Of course I will find any excuse to bring myself near to her, feel that tremendous pain that levels me completely for weeks on end, but it is a lonely life. It is that pain that will one day cease, and I will attain that which I strive for.

The cosmos open wide before my eyes, but in my chest is the blackest of holes, devouring all in it's path. Still I sit watching the night sky, and I fear I may need to leave my fire side soon, for my tales grow stale and useless........